How To Relate With The Press 101

"We talking about practice."
Just keep repeating it until it seems ridiculous to even be talking about it.

1. Jason Schmidt: ""I just try to get up there on the mound and not think about Opening Day or five days from then. I'm thinking of eventually getting in a game, getting in a game in L.A. and pitching in the big leagues. There's no set timetable."

Actually, that's a damn good Zen-like approach to recovering from an injury. This of course is not what you say to the press however as it makes you seem like an overpaid disaster rather than a hardworking pitcher looking to get back out in the mound. GRADE: C-

WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID: I'm sorry I've become Darren Driefort.

2. Julian Tavarez on his new employers, the Washington Nationals: "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."

Wow......not only does this have a classless, disturbing sexual metaphor, it's also a confusing classless, disturbing sexual metaphor. And it insults your employer. On second thought who is interviewing a fringe journeyman reliever? GRADE: F

WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID: Nothing....absolutely nothing.

3. Duaner Sanchez on his new employers, the San Diego Padres and their ballpark: "To see a couple of teams were interested in me was great. I played with the Dodgers before (2004-05), and I loved playing in California. That was one of the main reasons I signed here. And I heard it was a good group of players. I love it there, (PETCO Park) you're not going to find a lot of places like that anymore."

Bland, boring, positive, and forgettable. GRADE: A+

4. A-Rod Photo


Okay so A-Rod is now approaching a Bondsian level of detachment from reality. On some level, I am deeply, deeply concerned for A-Rod's mental health right now. Seriously, he's on a Lady Macbeth like decent into madness.

WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE:

This:
Serious A-Rod.....you're an admitted drug user, everyone knows you think you're bigger than Jesus, so why not? Look for A-Rod to hook up with a Japanese conceptual artist and go solo.....2 great albums, 2 good ones, and a mixed bag.